I took a few months off from therapy. Not only did I start a new job, but I started graduate school as well. My entire family is going through lots of changes.
There was a time that I thought I would likely always have to be in therapy, but here I am–still standing! There are times that I really miss it.
While I do want to return to therapy eventually, I have had the opportunity to test myself and remember and practice some important things. I have had to remember that I am human, and humans have good days and bad days. Work can be difficult. Parenting can be difficult. School can be difficult. Life is marked with both laughter and tears. Sometimes we have car trouble and sometimes people annoy us. Boundaries are important. Feelings are fleeting and won’t last forever. Sometimes we are lonely, and sometimes we are overstimulated, and sometimes we need a break from people. As much as I want it to be sometimes, perfection isn’t possible or realistic. I have learned that I need breaks with alone time where I can calm down my nervous system.
Taking a break from therapy has also given me some time to reflect on where I am, where I’ve been, and where I’m going. I can see places where I have healed and places where I haven’t. I have had time to remember where I struggle and where I don’t. Returning to work and school have given me more of a sense of community, which has been really vital and healthy. I have reconnected with old friends and colleagues. I feel like I am standing taller with more confidence and purpose. I have to remind myself that we go through seasons–in our families, in our work, in school, and in life. Some seasons are harder and some are more peaceful, but in the end, it will all balance out. It’s never going to be perfect. With my kids, I do my best to point out the positive things, the small wins, and the glimmers each day, but I need to do that for myself each day, too.
I have such mixed emotions about going back to therapy. In some ways, I fear that it will set me back. Through the lens of Internal Family Systems, I am probably currently operating from my manager parts and firefighter parts. I appear to be a high-functioning, successful adult. It’s working for me. For now. But truthfully, the wounded part is still right below the surface. She still carries a lot of emotional pain. She deeply desires help, but she has been unable to trust anyone fully. I have experienced so much transference in therapy, it’s almost overwhelming to think about doing that again. Hands-down, the number one thing I would look for would be a safe, reliable, knowledgeable, and deeply relational trauma therapist. I had a stellar virtual therapist who was a great fit and helped me with some serious brief therapy and CBT, but for me, I think I need more connection from a long-term trauma therapist. When some of your deepest trauma is childhood emotional neglect, the therapeutic relationship in itself can have unique challenges, and I find myself needing intentional support and guidance with that.
The most helpful tool I have used with my everyday challenges has been polyvagal theory. Learning to regulate my anxiety and emotions and avoid a shutdown has been life-changing. Balancing what feels like a dozen life transitions has been a huge challenge. When we are experiencing transition, being supported by a therapist is incredibly valuable. Finally, I’ve learned that my neurodivergence has been most challenging in terms of executive functioning skills and social anxiety as I have experienced overwhelm navigating lots of new terrain.
It isn’t perfect, but I’m proud of the way I have overcome several struggles.
Have you taken a break from therapy? Let me know about your experience in the comments.