“We can convince ourselves that we’re okay and keep ourselves upright by hanging our crumpling anguish on rigidity and perfectionism and silence, like a wet towel hanging on a rod. We can become closed off, never open to vulnerability and it’s gifts and barely existing, because anything at any moment could threaten that fragile, rigid scaffolding that’s holding up our crumpling selves and keeping us standing.”
Dr. Brene Brown
Processing Emotions in Therapy
One recurring theme I’ve experienced with multiple therapists is the theme of emotion. As I’ve mentioned before, Charlotte told me that my “intellectual bucket” had served me well, and now I needed to focus on feeling my emotions more. I have continually struggled to express my sadness and grief in therapy. Much of this can be attributed to childhood emotional neglect. This is one of my biggest hurdles, but I am simultaneously desperate for it.
The closest I have really ever come to processing my emotions has been with Brene Brown–Atlas of the Heart, that is. Her emotional vulnerability backed with anecdotes and research was riveting. Not only was I able to access the deepest regions of my emotional well, the research and analytical support helped me better titrate the emotion and remain grounded in the present. I could experience the layers of emotional complexity and nuance at my very core. I laughed. I sobbed. It was the best of both worlds. For me, Atlas of the Heart is one of the best resources I have come across. One of my goals for the upcoming year is to dive into Atlas of the Heart with a book club or a therapist. It’s so comprehensive. The book really helped me identify the specific emotional experiences that I have buried inside. With the way that I struggle, I wholeheartedly believe that this book will be a springboard to help me experience my emotions and practice deepening my emotional connection to another person.
As crazy as it sounds, I found myself in tears about something so seemingly trivial.
Three years ago, when I read Brene Brown’s book Atlas of the Heart for the first time, it was one of the absolute best books I had ever read. I connected with it cognitively and emotionally. I started gushing to Therapist #1 about it–about how I had learned about all of these emotions I didn’t even know I had. In therapy, we had realized that I struggle to connect with my emotions. I was SO excited because it really felt like the beginning of a tremendous breakthrough. The book captivated me–I laughed, I cried, and I felt a vast range of so many big feelings.
As Therapist #1 was leaving for one of her long vacations–a cruise this time, I think–she told me she was going to listen to the book during her trip. I couldn’t wait for her to return. I could feel a part of the wall in myself crumbling down a bit–there was finally some light in this dark tunnel. I felt a sense of connection–both cognitively and emotionally–with this author, and I wanted to share this with my therapist. I was certain it was really going to help me heal. I anticipated her return so we could talk all about it. I had been disconnected from my emotions for so long. This book felt like a way to bridge the gap to feelings of love and connection again.
When she returned, she nonchalantly said that she had decided to read fiction instead. While I was extremely disappointed and let down, I didn’t express it–even though I had been seeing her for more than a year. I was naive to think that she had really wanted to read it. She had, in fact, recently texted me a Brene Brown podcast episode that she liked. I had come to therapy prepared that day to talk about the hardest things from the book… I wanted to dive into the depths of anguish, grief, betrayal, loneliness, perfectionism, connection, trust, expectations, belonging, disappointment, hopelessness, and heartbreak. I had waited for her and was so sad that she wasn’t there to meet me. And I was flooded by emotional waves of memories of dozens of similar experiences.
Things quickly unraveled with Donna. I wanted it to work so badly, and I didn’t want to start over. I had invested so much into this process. I wanted to talk about what I had learned about connection. But, more importantly, I desperately wanted to connect with her. As much as I tried to be patient and flexible, I never felt like we were in the same place, and I could no longer look past the red flags.
“I’ve also started thinking of trauma in terms of connection. The theme of broken connection has come up in my work repeatedly over the years: broken connection to our body; broken connection to our sense of self; broken connection to others, especially those we love; broken connection to feeling centered or grounded on the planet; broken connection to God, Source, Life Force, well-being, or however we might describe or relate to our inherent sense of spirituality, openhearted awareness, and beingness. This theme has been so prominent in my work that broken connection and trauma have become almost synonymous to me.”
Dr. Diane Poole Heller
“The need for connection in which growth is a priority is the core motivation in people’s lives. In growth-fostering relationships, people are able to bring themselves most fully and authentically into connection.”
Dr. Brene Brown
“Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
Dr. Brene Brown
“Loss of someone we love cannot be adequately expressed with words. Grappling with loss, struggling with disconnection and despair, fills us with a sense of anguish and actual pain. Indeed, the parts of our brain that process physical pain overlap with the neural centers that record social ruptures and rejection. Loss rips us apart.”
Dr. Dan Siegel
“Being healed isn’t about feeling nothing. Being healed is about feeling the appropriate emotions at the appropriate times and still being able to come back to yourself. That’s just life.”
Stephanie Foo
“When we do not attend to our feelings, they accumulate inside us and create a mounting anxiety that we commonly dismiss as stress.”
Pete Walker
“Along with calm and happy, when we’re anchored in our ventral state, we can be excited, joy filled, aware, engaged, passionate, curious, compassionate, alert, ready, and focused.”
Deb Dana
“Don’t judge your feelings; notice them. Use them as your map. Don’t be afraid of the truth.”
Lori Gottlieb
“Thinking our struggle will never end is built into the experiences of despair and hopelessness.”
Dr. Brene Brown
“A central process in grieving is the attempt to reaffirm or reconstruct a world of meaning that has been challenged by loss.”
Dr. Brene Brown
These are just some quotes I have picked up along the way that have resonated with my heart. Have you read Atlas of the Heart? Let me know your thoughts in the comments.