Over the past couple of years, I have begun to pay attention and notice what’s happening when I move into depressed states of hopelessness and helplessness. This is definitely still a work in progress for me. Like many others, I experience these trauma responses in the form of dissociation, depression, freeze, and shutdown.
When I become completely overwhelmed, I anxiously panic internally, and if I’m unable to escape the situation, I shut down. Parts of my body physically feel immobile–my arms, hands, and shoulders specifically. My neck and throat feel tight, and my breathing becomes shallow. All I want to do is isolate myself. I lose my ability to think clearly and make decisions. Executive functioning is not possible. Anything and everything feels like sensory overload. If possible, I escape to my room alone to lie on my bed in the dark where it’s quiet.
“People often mistake numbness for nothingness, but numbness isn’t the absence of feelings; it’s a response to being overwhelmed by too many feelings.”
Lori Gottlieb
In the past, when I’ve entered this state, I had no idea what was happening. I had no control. It was a miserably hopeless and helpless feeling. Sometimes, it would last for an hour, sometimes it would last for days. Absolutely nothing sounded appealing enough to get me out of it.
Over the past couple of years, I have made huge strides in my healing process from decades of these survival responses. Here’s the progress I have made with this complicated experience.
First
First, I had to gain a basic understanding of Polyvagal Theory. When I was seeing Therapist #1, I told her about my tendency to shut down on chaotic weekends and about my lack of adaptability and resilience. She sent me a podcast explaining Polyvagal Theory, and that really got the ball rolling for me. Understanding this has been absolutely instrumental in building a foundation for my understanding of my experiences.
“When choice is limited or taken away, or when we have a sense of being stuck or trapped without options, we begin to look for a way out… Immobilization and disappearing are the survival strategies of the dorsal vagal system.”
Deb Dana
“In survival mode, the dorsal vagus takes us out of awareness, out of connection, and into collapse and immobilization. In this survival state, we feel disconnected and numb and have the experience of being here but not here and the sense of going through the motions of life without really caring.”
Deb Dana
“Looking through the lens of the nervous system, we understand that we are all trying to anchor in the state of safety that supports connection to self, to others, to the world, and to spirit and provides the energy we need to navigate our days. When the inner workings of our biology are a mystery, we feel as if we’re at the mercy of unknown, unexplainable, and unpredictable experiences. Once we know how our nervous system works, we can work with it. As we learn the art of befriending our nervous system, we learn to become active operators of this essential system.”
Deb Dana
“It is when we feel as though we are trapped and can’t escape the danger that the dorsal vagal pathway pulls us all the way back to our evolutionary beginnings. In this state we are immobilized. We shut down to survive. From here, it is a long way back to feeling safe and social and a painful path to follow.”
Deb Dana
Second
Second, I learned that I had to move my limbs to begin restoring my mobility. While this can be explained by Polyvagal Theory, in practice, this meant that I would begin walking laps and/or moving my arms to get them out of their numb, frozen state. Our bodies store trauma. The word “soma” or “somatic” means relating to the body. Somatic Experiencing is one example of a bottom-up therapy modality.
Third
Third, thanks to Therapist #4, I learned how to tell myself that this feeling won’t last forever. As simple as that sounds, I had always felt so trapped in that intense state of hopelessness and helplessness. I also took a cue from Dr. Becky. Now, I tell myself, “This feels really bad right now. I have felt like this before. It’s not going to last forever. It’s just a habit my brain has. It will actually be over sooner than I think.” This has helped me tremendously.
“Sometimes in their pain, people believe that the agony will last forever. But feelings are actually more like weather systems—they blow in and they blow out. Just because you feel sad this minute or this hour or this day doesn’t mean you’ll feel that way in ten minutes or this afternoon or next week. Everything you feel—anxiety, elation, anguish—blows in and out again.”
Lori Gottlieb
Fourth
Fourth, I have found a trauma-informed yoga class at a local community center. While I’m typically not motivated to attend cardio classes, attending this class feels more like going to therapy or going for a spa day. I look forward to it for self-care. The stretching and movement and strengthening feels restorative, empowering, and mobilizing. The guided relaxation exercise in the dimly-lit room at the end is honestly the very best feeling. So much is improved throughout the week–my mood, my executive functioning, my social anxiety, and my resilience–when I attend this class regularly. I can feel myself standing taller. It extinguishes the physical tension that I feel in my body.
“Each moment of stillness is a moment that nourishes your nervous system.”
Deb Dana
Fifth
Fifth, I learned from Pete Walker’s book that I can identify my hopeless-helpless experience as an emotional flashback, which is a symptom of complex trauma.
“Emotional flashbacks are perhaps the most noticeable and characteristic feature of C-PTSD. Survivors of traumatizing abandonment are extremely susceptibility to painful emotional flashbacks, which unlike PTSD do not typically have a visual component.”
Pete Walker
“One common sign of being flashed-back is that we feel small, helpless, and hopeless. In intense flashbacks this magnifies into feeling so ashamed that we are loath to go out or show our face anywhere. Feeling fragile, on edge, delicate and easily crushable is another aspect of this.”
Pete Walker
Finally
Finally, just learning more about my mental health experiences is helpful for me. Being able to identify what’s happening to me gives me a sense of control over the situation, which makes me feel less helpless and hopeless. When I entered those depressed states, I made a little note in my phone about the emotions, thoughts, and sensations I was experiencing. Later, I could go back with a clear head to notice patterns. Listening to audiobooks about trauma and therapy has been a large part of my learning experience.
So much of this is still a work in progress for me. I hope you find something here that’s helpful for you too.
Quotes from the Experts
“Many freeze types unconsciously believe that people and danger are synonymous, and that safety lies in solitude. Outside of fantasy, many give up entirely on the possibility of love. The freeze response, also known as the camouflage response, often triggers the individual into hiding, isolating and eschewing human contact as much as possible. This type can be so frozen in retreat mode that it seems as if their starter button is stuck in the ‘off’ position. It is usually the most profoundly abandoned child – ‘the lost child’ – who is forced to ‘choose’ and habituate to the freeze response… Unable to successfully employ fight, flight or fawn responses, the freeze type’s defenses develop around classical dissociation.”
Pete Walker
“Dissociation exists for a reason. For millennia, our brains and bodies have removed us from our pain so we can keep moving forward. A tiger just ate your wife? Bummer, but breaking down or freezing up is not an option. You better go out hunting today or your kids will starve. Your house was just destroyed in an air raid? Okay, but you have to pack up what’s left and find new shelter, now. Feelings are a privilege.”
Stephanie Foo
“We hope that if we disappear, become invisible, and don’t feel what’s happening or inhabit where we are, we will survive. We escape into not knowing, not feeling, and a sense of not being.”
Deb Dana
“As unsupported children, we have to dissociate because we are not able to effectively grieve.”
Pete Walker
“It’s important to realize that childhood experiences of profound helplessness can feel traumatic, causing people to later react to adult feelings of helplessness with sensations of collapse and a feeling of ‘there’s nothing I can do, and no one will help me.’”
Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson
“After all, one of the defining elements of a traumatic experience—particularly one that is so traumatic that one dissociates because there is no other way to escape from it—is a complete loss of control and a sense of utter powerlessness. As a result, regaining control is an important aspect of coping with traumatic stress.”
Dr. Bruce Perry
Recommended Trauma Books: Dissociation, Depression, Freeze, and Shutdown
- Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker
- Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory by Deb Dana
- What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo
- A Practical Guide to Complex PTSD: Compassionate Strategies to Begin Healing from Chidlhood Trauma by Dr. Arielle Schwartz
- The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
To listen to some of my favorite podcast episodes about dissociation, the freeze response, depression, shutdown, and/or polyvagal theory, please visit this page.